#Mumlife: an adventure of awe

My eyes see but I don't understand.
My body knows but I can't.
Is this the way we have come into the world?

My first words when Lena was born were:
  "I don't understand"

Even now I don't even understand what I didn't understand fully. :) It maybe that I didn't understand the miracle of life/birth/pain breaking breathlessly and naked into pure innocent joy and rapture beyond myself.

If you ask my mother what phrase she had to remind me time and time again that I was repeating (incessantly), she would say, "I know". I said "I know" so much that it didn't carry much meaning.

I have realized more each year that "I don't know" and most of the time "I don't understand"

We can trust, believe, and be. And the best way to be secure is not in knowing or understanding but  surrendering. How uncomfortable.

Tonight I have had 6 months time to be a mother (and one hour). In that time I have fallen into the world of motherhood; I say fallen because though some bit of me feels proud, most of me feels tumbled. It's like I've tumbled into this big secret land that I have dreamed of for some time and my eyes are still adjusting to the details, learning the language, and basically life (in mom land).
Literally my eyes have not adjusted. Today I realized that my headaches I have been having more frequently than ever tend to appear after reading/sewing/or something that uses my eyes more than not. Now 5 years ago I had corrective eye surgery and know what it's like to have lacking vision but after 5 years your body forgets. I had not thought of that possibility before. I thought it was my diet, maybe I was not getting enough to eat, that happened during pregnancy...pregnancy...that's a whole nother land, or more like the wobbily bridge between mom land and mainland (ha). But I digress, I found this article stating that breastfeeding women may have blurry vision etc. -wow- and yes, I'm breastfeeding. She hasn't even had a bottle.

Opinions: the best phrase I took away from our birthing class (that was my birthday gift) is:
"You are the best parents for your child"
This is not to say you're perfect, or that parents don't loose track, or that even the parents that don't make the best decisions are still the best.
What it means is that you have the instinct to make the right decisions for your child, and basically: not everyone is the same, people are different, and to the ultimate effect-do what you see is best for your baby.

So what I've had to focus and struggle with may come easier to other mothers, and what I see as easy may be super difficult for you/others. Expectations have the power to hurt, ie. marriage (which in the land of mom-seems quite an easy commitment, thankfully our husbands don't have to grow up so much as our children) ;)

Something I hear a lot:
"They grow up so fast": they actually grow just like everyone else did. I know what they are saying, it just gets old. I appreciate that my daughter is growing, I'm thankful. I want to see her walk, hear her voice, and so on and so forth. I would not want her to be a Peter Pan girl. I pray she does great things for the Kingdom.

 

What is a child?

Prayer is my wine

Water is my smoke

Jesus is my life

Zach is my soulmate

Children are my calling

Internationals are my interest

Control is my weakness

Selfishness is my thorn

Hummingbirds are my friends

Foxes are my reminder

Love is the greatest gift

Faith has been passed down

"So you, by the help of your God, return, hold fast to love and justice, and wait continually for your God" 

Hosea 12:6

Roadside

 I have been making a mental list lately of what I have been seeing on the side of the road and or right off the road:

  Ew: fish-on Samford Ave.   
      muscle milk bottles-on county roads
      beer and or wine cans and bottles (glass)-everywhere
      dead animals-everywhere, from squirrel to deer
      fast food containers-yes, everywhere
      soda cans-everywhere
      rope-here and there
      wood-planks
      gloves-out by Chewacla
      sad houses-lonely
      dogs-they bark and chase

 Pretty: sheep!-far out
         horses-everywhere in the country
         donkeys-out in Gold Hill
         flowers-everywhere
         beautiful houses-alive
         cats-out by Chewacla
         cows-in the country
         cyclists-on Ogletree :)encouraging
         clover
         Church signs
         gas stations-are good for water and potty breaks

The "pretty" list may have the same number of items as the "ew" list but the pretties make the rides worth it. Podcasts help a lot as well. I have been listening to sermons from Bethel Church in Redding, CA. They may be known for their worship, which is awesome, but they also are solid in Biblical teaching and spiritual creative excellence. I am currently reading "Dreaming with God" by the senior pastor at Bethel, Bill Johnson. There is a worship night with Bethel worship in Atlanta next Sunday night and Martin Smith-from Delirious? will be there too! We are thinking about going. 

 Cycling again, and this time more serious than ever, has brought back a lot of memories of the previous training days and races I have done. Thinking about the motivation behind each one and how happy I am doing endurance races. My heart is strengthened, my muscles are awake, and my stomach is calm. I began training for my first triathlon when I was 16, after a friend said she wanted to do one with me. I have recently had my first break up and wanted to do anything to get my mind off of the past. I also was not involved in any sport teams. I had done soccer in middle school but I did not love it. So we began training. One day she told me she was not going to do it and I decided to do it on my own. (Like the Little Red Hen)
Certainly, I did not do it alone, my family supported me and God allowed my body to train well. Race day came, my dad took me to Huntsville and really early in the morning I did it. I finished. I am not in it to win, just to do my best. I did that first sprint tri with a mountain bike... that malfunctioned on me.

  The second tri was a bit longer than the first and more professional. It was at Callaway Gardens and hot. My friend had let me use an old bike of her's and I "fixed" it up with arrow-bars and a new seat. I should have added a water bottle holder because my water bottle was lost on road during the race. After the race I had an orange and the acid hurt my stomach bad. All I wanted to do was sleep. My mother wanted to take me out to eat.

  On the third one, my mom, sister, Zach, and a friend came to Peachtree City. My friend and I did the tri together. I had my own road bike that I got for $100 from a lady that I swam with. It was a good race and I did feel up to eating Chick-fil-a.
During the Winter Olympics, the children I nanny asked me what sport I would do in the Olympics. I said triathlon-absolutely.
They asked me why and I told them...but then I realized that my last race was in 2009...and this was 2014. 5 years. I had done two mud runs in 2012 but not any swim, bike races. I had gone to the doctor after an injury in 2011 and he said that my feet were not made to run. I was sad but then encouraged because I loved to swim and bike WAY more than run. I had made myself run. 

  Now being out of school I saw the chance to do my first aquabike! On the first day of Summer, June 21st, in Newnan, Ga, I will compete.We updated my bike with new gears, a second water bottle holder, and an odometer. God has done a miracle in allowing me to do this sport, my heart murmur has never caused a concern in these years and that miracle is one of the reasons I race. It is worship.

         I dedicate this picture to the SWEETEST triplets ever! Our pastor's wife had a boy and two girls at the end of last year; they are growing so fast.I praise God for them. Whenever possible, I come over and hold them. I love their precious faces and their hero mother. What a privilege the Father has given us by letting us share in the beauty of their lives.

 [this picture was found while I looking for a sheep picture, to represent the ones I saw on the bike, but then it was TRIPLET sheep from New Zealand that won me over]
         
         
                     

Coffee Cat

I take care of a 3 year old darling child. She loves cats, pink, and purple. She said that her sister told her she is a "ca-fee" cat. I asked her which one she was... a "copy" cat or "coffee" cat? "Does she like to drink coffee or copy other people?" She said she did not like coffee and was not a coffee cat. But I had these images stuck in my head.

When I was young: I loved cats, pink, and purrple-(see what I did there?)I did not like coffee either. She is youngest of 3 and I am the eldest of 3. I have fun with her older sister as well, she always asks the best questions.

She is sassy and full of life.

She's reminding me of my childhood, and teaching me to become a mother.

She likes to line up all her kitties. (Including her meerkat and big cats: tiger, leopard, etc.) She refers to them as if they were all alive.

She takes her water with ice, she secretly likes to nap, and is in love with swinging. I want to build a swing in our back yard for her/ me. We have fun washing dishes. We have a favorite TV show: "Peg+Cat"-and we dance to the theme song.

She does not run away from me anymore. (She used to enjoy the thrill of spontaneous escapes) I will be sad when she gets too heavy for me to pick up. We have begun to read Bible stories together. She knows how to say my name and more importantly, my cat's.

This is what happens when two stars meet. They become friends.

Let me paint a water colour of Your love

Here is is God: this is where You have brought me and I AM GLAD. I feel like the same Spirit that Beth Moore has mixed with overwhelming HOPE and PEACE just descended upon my mind. Is this just because it is Friday? I think not! Is it just because I am a hormonal woman? I think not... I said last night to Zach that we should pray more, we are just so tired, but that's not an excuse, we need to seek after God, not just sit and wait for Him. I think just that statement alone touched the heart of my Father and made him let go of some things He was waiting to give me, a release of His language of Love to me...which just so happens to be language.

Spending a pleasant trip to Barnes and Noble to use the one and only gift card left from before the wedding/ wedding gift card. Given to me by a my professor of Ukrainian descent. To furthermore purchase books by my favourite author who is also of Ukrainian/ Russian descent, Patrica Polacco. Because Jesus loves me enough to make it so that I will be teaching from her books for the next two weeks of student teaching!! I thought it would not hurt to aid my supply of materials. They only had one of her books in store (odd) so I ordered my two favourite ones for a GREAT price. To calm a desire for foreign language in my ears I browsed the international music section which led to the children's movie place -that had 3 Charlie and Lola seasons for 5.99 each! I will get them when I come back for the books next week! Blessing of love #1

In TJMaxx, in Columbus, I was looking for random things because that is relaxing to me, to browse for the super cheap deals on things that are on the want/need list and God then puts them on unique sales for me. In His perfect timing. There in the sale section I heard it: Beautiful Russian words that flowed towards my ears and penetrated my core. I cannot describe how these words made me feel, it felt as if a wind from a Beatrix Potter tale within a past memory awakened my heart and passion for that tongue. Similar feelings of excitement come each time I hear another language, be it Spanish, Hindi, or ANYTHING! It is a reflex to listen intently and guess where they are from and try to break the phonetics into oral word groups. I am not really trying to translate, it is more of an immense admiration for the beauty and complexity of the intricate and unique sounds they are producing.-there's a look into a young aspiring linguist's brain for you haha Well those sounds came from two females who were shopping and I tried my best, really, to not listen, but their words drew me in. Next thing I knew I was on the same isle wondering how not to gush my happiness of their Russian-ness...when the younger one said "excuse me" as she moved aside a small boy who was with them. I responded roughly, "no, it's ok, it's just so good to hear Russian", smooth, right? She turned and smiled, asking, really? The conversation followed with much enjoyment, as I tried not to over speak and give them their space. At the end she offered her telephone number and said that she is a wife who does not have kids and does not have any friends there in Columbus. She is from the FAR eastern part of Russia like where my Russian tutor was from. So there you have it, blessing of love #2. (I ended up getting a neato water bottle that came with MULTIcoloured plastic non-toxic ice cubes, which I have wanted since I was a young teenager because my older college cousins had some. And now as a college student I have some. YES! )

On the way home my heart was overflowing, gazing at the gorgeous clouds and basking in the Glory of pure love. It was drenching, refreshing, and whoa. Is it because I am tired and hungry? Who cares...it was and is AWEsome! I began having HOPE and FREEing ideas of tutoring again, a hope and joy that I have not felt before-not something I have not felt in a long time...but before, and I was aware of that feeling, and the excitement it came with. That I did not need to be concerned with ANYTHING but His ways, even if they are unconventional and petty in others eyes, but His ideas are as precious and detailed as tiny tea sets are before the children of India. He LOVES me so extraordinarily that it has layers going back to the passions and desires of my childhood together with my inner being construction. Blessing of love #3 *I want to paint a watercolour picture so badddd whew God!

When I was driving I listened to the 2nd half of 2nd Corinthians. Then I called my mother. It was a good talk. Pure and simple, good and real. A good talk. Blessing of love #4 At the house, in my comfortable clothes, after having a good hug with my SWEETEST mother in law, I sat down to look at facebook and I had a unexpected message (by me, not Him) from one of my late tutoring students, the very one I had thought about on the ride home because I was thinking of the idea of tutoring again and the doubt came into my mind that I was not "good enough" to work with adults, or young adults for that matter, and that VERY student who I had referred back to in my memory as an example was the ONE who messaged me! AHH! Ok I see how it is God. :) No doubting, just trusting is a continual lesson for me. Blessing of love #5 (She said she had missed me so much and wanted to know if I could help with her ESL homework-YES I CAN! ;)

The weekend is off to a grand start, Thank you Jesus! I am inspired to press on for the freedom ahead as well as the present freedom of His EVER present GLORY! Off into the wistfully wondrous wild fields of His love I dive. "Moved by the extravagance of God in your lives, they’ll respond by praying for you in passionate intercession for whatever you need. Thank God for this gift, his gift. No language can praise it enough!" 2 Corinthians 9:15 The Message

From everlasting to everlasting, You are love

Tonight Toulouse and I shared some more of those yummy cookies; he has good taste. This week my head has been pulling me to sleep at every possible moment. My energy has disappeared, tomorrow I was try more protein and see what that does. I listened again to the new Sarah Brendel album "Before the Mountains" and the title song really soothed my heart because this week our community lost a young man in a tragic accident. I did not know him well but so many I am close to did. My prayers go to his wife and all those mourning. Our days are a gift, cherish those you love, cherish your life, worship our God. BEFORE THE MOUNTAINS (Psalm 90) Before the mountains were born You brought forth the earth and the world For a thousand years in your sight Are like a day that has just gone by Or like a guard in the night From everlasting to everlasting From everlasting to everlasting You are love You sweep men away in the sleep of death They are like the new grass in the morning In the morning Though in the morning it springs up new By evening it is dry and withered You turn men back to dust You turn men back to dust Return to dust oh son of men Return to dust From everlasting to everlasting From everlasting to everlasting You are god Teach me to number my day aright That I might gain a heart of wisdom Establish the work of my hands Establish my work through your hands.

When you say you love me

Wow...I have not blogged the entire time we have been married. It has been almost 9 months now, every day is a blessing, no regrets, all gratitude and delight! We are immensely blessed. We live in the cutest place in town-most affordable, safe neighbourhood, big yard...and it's BLUE! Almost 2 months ago we got a kitten, his name is Toulouse and he is most adorable. Tonight the fall weather showed her face. It's amazing, our first fall married, Toulouse's first fall ever- the coldest air he has ever breathed came today into his lungs. Toulouse is an answer to prayer in many ways. I have wanted a kitten my entire life, our family had one for awhile once but he ran away..he has taught me what it means to have something totally dependant on us. Practice for the future. He does not eat when we are not home..not sitting beside him watching him. It was a concern that living by a busy road would be dangerous for a cat. He does not go in the yard unless we are there. I prayed that angels would keep him from the road and they are doing a wonderful job! I wish he would play in the back yard, so I will have a word with God about that. Zach and I went to Ruby Tuesdays tonight. It was very yummy! He had a turkey avocado burger with asparagus and white cheddar mashed potatoes! SO PROUD! HE LOVED IT! Avocados are his super food, so he is currently in super productive mode! (Tuesday Morning is another favourite place of mine with a Tuesday.) I just wanted veggies so I got 4 sides and made a meal. I was super hungry. When I get hungry my stomach begins hurting and filling with gas, it's not fun. It takes the food awhile to calm my stomach so by the time I got home I was ready to make dessert. I did an experiment and love it! I used 1/4 cup wheat germ 3/4 cup coconut flour 1.5 tsp vanilla 3/4 cup agave 1/2 tsp baking soda 1 egg 4 tbsp vegan butter 4 tbsp apple sauce almost one cup of grain sweetened chocolate chips* oven @350 for ten minutes. they are crumbly but oh so delish (the dough is good too) Before dinner we went on a triple date (the 1st to my remembrance) with our Brazilian friends and our youth pastor his wife. I had raspberry ooooolong tea (yeah I put those o's on purpose) it was neat. We sat on the veranda of Overall Co. and enjoyed the weather. Before tea time I went for a very fun very awesome run. Before that I cleaned an office in record time. Before that I did my homework,ate a yummy lunch of veggie wraps, grapes, and coconut date balls. Church this morning was beautiful. I was excited to go but my youth pastor's wife rescued me because my car had died;thank you! My outfit was inspired by the new anthropologie catalogue online shot in Scotland! Towards the end of the service our pastor spoke of people in China who

did not know you but were praying for you and vis versa. It made me cry, how true, how like God to be so creative in language and prayer. Currently I am listening to Josh Groban, mostly because he sings multi-lingual and I know what he's saying. It's one month until my birthday. We plan on going camping, ohhh yeah <3 He's singing in French which reminds me of my dear friend getting married on Saturday. I am honoured to be a bridesmaid for the third time ever in her wedding. How excited I am for her. How much more excited is she!